I have 5 beautiful kids, a wonderful husband, good friends, and God in my life. Things were going pretty well… until they weren’t.
In order for you to understand where I am now, I need to go back 19 months. It was the end of August, 2015. My youngest would be 2 in only four months time. I was in a rut with my health and fitness and needed to make a change. So on September 1st I started dieting and exercising religiously. I managed to lose 34 lbs in 3.5 months.
Then my husband went to Africa to visit his grandparents for Christmas and I went to Cali with the kids to visit my sister and her family. Holidays and food = setback. But I kind of got back into my routine in January.
Then, the beginning of February 2016, everything changed. My sweet grandpa died. I was devastated. He was so special to me. I lived with him and my grandma during my sophomore year of college, he performed the married for my husband and I, and was always a big part of my adult life.
But I fell off the health and fitness wagon big time. I gained back all but 10 lbs of the weight I lost in only two months time. I was so sad and emotional and just couldn’t stop sabotaging all of my progress in the fall.
Then I decided to try and make up for my bad choices by doing a master cleanse. I did it for over 20 days and got back down to where I was at Christmas. I was finally back to my lowest since having my daughter in January of 2014. And was going to keep going down from there.
Then, another ball dropped. My sweet grandma died in April. She followed her husband only 2 months later. Another blow. I fell off again and ate my emotions. Then, in May, my other grandpa and last living grandparent died. I was a mess. I fell off the wagon big time.
Then, in June, my friend and my partner in our church calling shockingly died. She was so young and left behind her sweet husband and 9 wonderful kids. It was so hard for everyone. I had to face four deaths in only a five month time span. By this time I had fallen off the wagon and ran far away, and I didn’t look back.
I turned to food. I had to get away from the pain in my heart. I tried to numb it with food. I ate when I was stressed. When I was emotional. When I was sad or mad. When I was bored. When I was happy. I was and am addicted to food. I gained back all the weight I lost and even more. I was worse than I have ever been and I still am.
I was also worrying about my mom and it was decided that she would move in with us in August. So all summer I had the added pressure of getting our house and a room ready for her, and then help care for her once she was here.
The last several months I have gotten more and more unhappy due to the bad choices I was making with my health and fitness. I was sabotaging myself and my relationship with my husband was not the best. Nor was my relationship with God. Then I stopped weighing myself cause it was so discouraging to see my weight go up. I got really depressed but didn’t realize that I was depressed. I just knew that whatever was wrong with me was having a negative impact on my marriage, in addition to what it was doing to me personally, and also with my kids.
I didn’t want to get intimate with my husband very often because I was so insecure with how I looked and felt. I hated myself and had a really hard time getting out of bed each morning. I struggled to go to church with my family each week cause I didn’t want people to see me. I didn’t want to have to socialize. I was having anxiety. And I was unhappy.
My daughter turned 3 in January. It is now almost April and I am worse than I have ever been. I have been running further and further from the wagon and running straight toward a huge obstacle in my path without even realizing it.
Then, 3 weeks ago today, our lives changed again and I finally hit the brick wall.
That was the end for me and also the beginning…